Thursday, May 29, 2014

Things not fitting!! UGH!!!

   SO of course by the title of this post you have realized that some things just aren't fitting! NOT talking about clothes. I just hit some amazing deals for some cute finds so that really isn't the problem.

   I'm talking about other things..... People, things in the house, and what sucks the most the ring I wear for my wedding ring!
   Yes that's right I said the ring I wear for my wedding ring. We live on one income with a new house (well two years old :) to us) and we are supporting two kids. We live pay check to pay check. I know my amazing husband loves me and if he could he would buy me an amazing diamond ring but we have priorities. Food, housing and making sure our kids are happy and healthy are top to us! Buying me a wedding ring is not on that list. Yes I did buy him the one he really wanted and worked my butt off in my Lou Who Designs home business to do so. BUT he works hard constantly for us and totally deserves it!!!!!!  So when the time comes I'll get a ring but until then I'll wear one that I can get for $20.00. Well Nick usually has some say in it all. :) I was wearing my mom's ring for a long time but unfortunately it can't be re sized without messing up the setting and it's way to big! Basically Nick says I just need to get something else until my current set fits again.

   Things in the house..... I have done this so much since we moved in but I thought it was time again. I went through EVERYTHING!!!! Every piece of clothing, everything in the kitchen, basement, shed, the kids rooms, EVERYTHING!!!!! I'm tired of things that we don't need and don't use and still being here. There is no reason for that! New season time to clean house. My poor husband doesn't know what has gotten into me. Last week I got rid of 26 bags full of crap. And this week I have another 13! Obviously this was long over due. As I look at my house now though I realized that NOW our house is really starting to become our home and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with my husband and kids HERE!

   People.... Now this one is a little more tricky than most would think. Over the years people have come and gone but of course those who truly love and care about you will stick around. I in no way have any issues with anyone but I've just had to take a step back and look at how I'm living my life and kinda push those people who are either toxic or just not in or around the same period in life as me out. I hate to say it like that but we all grow at different times. It's not to be mean to anyone but heck I've even chosen to exclude family from events in our lives and figure they can find out through other sources. NOW I know that sounded mean but when people aren't there or seem concerned at any time other than whats convenient for them it seems like  you really shouldn't put all your effort either into the relationship. BUT there is also those relationships that just need a little boost on both parties. This can be a little challenging but IF both parties are willing to do it than the relationship is one that will work and stand the test of time! This works for friends AND family!

   Spring and Summer is a time to refresh, renew, and really live! This summer will be a little hard for us with my grandfathers memorial at the end of June, and Nick trying to pick up hours where he can and of course the oh so much fun doctors appointments for my son, but our summer will still be amazing. AND with praying and hoping ALL THINGS WILL FIT by the end of the summer :)

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

When Staying Strong is All You Can Do

   I've tried to take the past two weeks and really spend time with my little family and get to a level with them that if anything were to happen to one of us we would be able to carry on in time as a family still. Through this I have learned a lot. All of which I'm positive I've known but it was kind of like a refresher course.

   With my husband I've learned that quoting random quotes from any of the 1000+ movies we've watched together can put a smile on his face at any time! 

   With my daughter I've learned that she never forgets! I was giving her a bath and I told her to look up at the sky so I could wash her hair without getting water and soap in her eyes. Without missing a beat she goes," oh the sky like where Nana lives with Jesus and they crochet". That moment made me instantly smile and cry. I haven't used that phrase with here when referring my mother since she was 2 and she's now 4. She always knows how to make me smile! 

   With my son I've learned a smile even if for a brief moment is a moment without him being in pain. AND he's okay with that. I should be too. 

   We've had these last few weeks as more of a focus on our little family as we have begun to prepare for our sons MRI this upcoming Friday. We've been trying really hard as a family and I've been trying really hard as a wife and mother to keep some things from others until we know more of whats going on and what to expect. Through all this of trying to do things for our son I've been having my own battle that is getting more and more difficult to try and keep under wraps and deal with. My immune system is having an incredibly hard time recovering from my bad kidney infection over a month and the doctors aren't sure what is going on. I've been battling every day to try and keep enough energy to get through the days and spend time with my kids and I truly think that is the reason I'm able to get up in the morning  is my amazing kids. 

   I keep telling my husband of course I'm fine because truthfully since I have no idea what is going I don't want to give him any thing else to worry about. He is such an amazing guy that provides every day for us and is always constantly worried about our son that until there is truly something to worry about I want to continue to make him smile!

   We aren't the only ones trying to get health back in line since yesterday we've found out that our sister in law is having troubles with kidney stones again. She has had A LONG battle with these and on the 6th they are hopefully going to be able to give her some answers. I was thinking to myself earlier that I don't think our husbands (they are brothers) realized we would be such a hot mess not long after marrying them. I was just trying to make myself smile a bit and hopefully if my sister in law sees this she will smile too! Praying hard for her! Now knowing just how bad kidney pain is after that infection last month I wouldn't wish that type of pain and suffering on anyone and I really hope what ever is causing this for her gets resolved quick and painless for her. She deserves it!!!

   When you're a parent of a disabled child or really any child in general you live for that child not for yourself. When something comes in your way of being able to really live for that child you fight like heck to get back to the way you are to be able to live for that child again. 

   I remember when my mother was battling breast cancer and with everything going on she still made it to all my games, any school function I needed her at and she did it with a smile. It was then that I knew just how much my mother loved me to put herself in pain just to be there for me.No matter what goes on I want to have that strength and determination to be able be there for my kids at all points in time!

   Everywhere I look these days there is this one quote and I have always thought it about my mother and love it to this day.... " When staying strong is all you can do"...  I think that quote can fit so many people in so many different situations that it even though I see it everywhere I should be seeing it a lot more! 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Managing Emotions and Life..... Easier Said Than Done!

   Just like the title above says managing emotions and every day life is completely easier said than DONE!

   I haven't been very active on my post in the past week because last Wednesday at my son's doctor's appointment we were faced with a lot of information and a lot of complicated emotions that we weren't sure how to deal with. Still today we aren't sure how to deal with things and truly don't believe we will be able to begin to deal with things until after another MRI on the 30th. Well I guess once we get the results of that we will be able to move forward. Right now a lot of things are up in the air and we as parents are just having to sit back and wait.

   Now waiting for me is hard but watching my husband try and stay calm about things when we don't have answers and are concerned is completely heartbreaking! He tries so hard to be our family rock and he is successful about 99% of the time but lately I have noticed that between life in general and him trying to still be that rock and not show emotions on our sons condition it has become a lot difficult for him and he has become more distant.

   Most women would think," he's flipping out for no reason" or "he's messing around" or "hes ticked at me". After 8 years I know when he gets distant like this its none of those reasons its all because he does the same thing I did and bottles his emotions up.

   This is a man who works hard every day to provide for us, make sure we have a house to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear, and at night and every morning a kiss and an I love you. He is an amazing husband, father, brother, and son!

   When he tries to manage his emotions and life, life wins every time because he is bound and determined to be that rock!

   Now with me it's about 50/50. Right now though emotions are definitely winning. I know that yes I can't change anything that is going on so why worry about it? Well I worry because I already have lost two of the most important people in my life in the past two years. When I think of everything my son battles on a daily basis it scares me to death to think there could be a day that I wont get to spend with him. Every day that he pushes through the seizures and the delays and doesn't pull out his feeding tube is one AWESOME day in my book.

   But it's those days like last Wednesday that make me worry what we know isn't all whats going on. Not knowing how I can help him feel better or strive to accomplish things is down right difficult. If I could I would take away all his pain and suffering and make him a happy healthy 2 year old.

   I'd give anything to be the parent of two healthy kids. But im not. I'm a parent to two amazing, vibrant, happy kids. Health is important but being able to see my kids smile at least once a day for now is worth all the heart break and sadness those doctors appointments and hospital stays bring.

   Managing emotions and life aren't easy but as the day to day comes and goes all I can do wake up each day and strive to make things the best they can be WITH my husband for OUR kids.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Parental Doubt

   As parents we doubt ourselves from time to time on how we are doing raising our kids. It's these times that we think about every time we yelled, every time we said no, and every time they said i'm mad at you and walked away.

   We second guess ourselves constantly not because our choices are wrong but because we are wondering if there is any other possible outcome that could make things easier or people happier.

   After sitting in an almost 5 hour long appointment with my son yesterday to talk with a multitude of doctors to try and help our son I had plenty of time to do all of this.

   I thought of everything that has happened over the past almost 2 1/2 years and re- thought every decision my husband and I have ever made regarding him and tried to think of other outcomes that could have happened. Right then is when I started to realize we as parents can't live thinking what if. We need to live realizing our kids love us no matter what we tell them no on, no matter if we yelled at them or not, and even if they say they are mad THEY LOVE US!

   We have two children a 4 year old vibrant, energetic, outgoing daughter KT and a 2 year old son who has epilepsy, west syndrome, mental and physical delays, has a feeding tube and is transported by wheel chair.

   These two are by far exact OPPOSITES! So parenting is quite different but even with that being said I can't keep thinking about the what if's with how we have parented them. They are turning out to be amazing kids and truly the main things we need to do is make sure they are happy, as healthy as we as parent's can help them to be, and enjoy life. All else will fall into place when it is time!

Below is a picture of our little ones from this past Halloween. They had a great time and no matter what life throws our way we love every minute we get to spend with them!!

Monday, May 12, 2014

He's Impacted Me Greatly.........But Will Never Know.

   There is one person who has greatly impacted my life but he has n clue. The man I speak of is my brother in law, my husbands brother.

   Most people would go on and on about all the good times they and the person thats impacted their lives have had. Mine is such a different story but one that has made me respect, honor, and feel truly blessed to call him not only an amazing military man but one amazing brother in law!

   When D and I first met we would joke around and he would tease me. Everyone said that meant he was okay with  me. That felt AWESOME!!! I knew how much D liking me meant to Nick. He cares so much what his brother thinks about all aspects of his life that it was amazing to know I was accepted.

   I truly am the one who made our relationship go from that to one of which he doesn't say a word to me anymore :( Around 5-6 years ago I was incredibly stupid and hurt my husband, then boyfriend and by doing so we split up. I really thought that was it that was the end of us. Due to me hurting him D got mad and wanted Nick to have nothing to do with me. Of course Nick had other plans and wanted to work things out. Thank goodness!

   We got back together and a few months later we found out we were expecting our daughter. Things we going good. D still wasn't talking to me but he wasn't going out of his way to upset me so I just sat by and let him be him and me be me. I figured one day we'd talk again. I just wasn't sure when.

   D was there when Kt was born and got to hold her shortly after. It was a great night! Sadly when KT was only 6 months old we had to travel to see off D as he was getting shipped over seas due to his military duty.

   On that trip post pardon depression had stepped in and pretty much consumed me but I had refused to take that as the truth. It showed hard and it upset the whole family. 2 Weeks after we got back Nick did what was best for him and kt and moved out and we fought for custody of her. It was that day that I found out D even dealing with about to go over seas helped Nick get things in place to move out and for the lawyer. I was so upset with him on this and at that time I never wanted to see or talk to him again and I never wanted Kt to see or talk to him either.  Of course everything that had happened my emotions were running wild. Now as I look back all I want to do is hug him and thank him!

   It made me realize that day what I truly wanted in my life, who I wanted i my life and I busted my butt every day ti get back Nick and Kt. In that process we created Wj.

   Now even though D doesn't talk to me I love him. He has been such a positive influence in my life and if I could I would hug him and thank him everyday for everything. He helped me work so hard to get what I want in my life. He's been amazing and I thank God everyday for all the trials and tribulations he has been there through, Yes he's been on nicks side through everything but he's always there for nick! Such an amazing guy and I'm so blessed to have him be my brother in law.

   Only he will never know how I feel.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Blessed on Saturday Morning!

   Today I was blessed enough to go to a prayer breakfast after being invited by a truly inspiring woman who I am lucky enough to call a friend and fellow woman in Christ.

   I wasn't sure exactly what to expect when going and I was really nervous about going because I wasn't sure who besides my friend I would know. I've always been one be scared when meeting new people but this experience was one that I knew I needed to do and expand my horizons on taking the Lord into my world in other ways .

   My amazing and inspirational friend stood in front of  a room full of friends, church goers and family and laid her heart out on the line with the her testimony. She shared with us an experience that changed her, her marriage, her family, her friends, and her relationship with The Lord.

   As I sat there and was listening to her I couldn't help but become over come with emotions. Her experience was that of one incredibly similar to one I had as well. It was such a difficult time in my life and how it effected my family that seeing the tears roll down her face caused me to remember all that I had gone through at that time and I instantly felt nothing but admiration for her. I don't want to go into specific details because that is not my place in any way but there were a few key points that she stated that really stuck out in my head!

   1 Peter 5:8- Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

   When hearing this at first I was intrigued because not only is it 100% true but when thinking back to just so many different times through out my life that verse seems to fit in when things started to go towards the enemy's nature. I know now that allowing the Lord to be apart of your daily life and really turning to him with anything that may be crossing your mind is really the only way to be able to live a life in Christ. Allowing others or the devil to come in and dictate what you do with your life that leads you down a dark path is how the devil can see your weaknesses and he thrives off of them!!! 

   My friend made a statement that sin is like a spider web. You're just walking along and bam it hits you and you're all of a sudden tangled up in it. So what did I do when I got home and had that thought still in my head. I made it my background on my phone! I know strange but when something like that hits me I want to make sure that it does stay with me. So it says sin=spiderweb. Since I hate spiders this is perfect because well its obvious spiders = spiderweb spiderweb=hate hate = sin so all in all sin =spiderweb! 

   Isaiah 1:18- “Come now, let us settle the matter,”
    says the Lord.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
    they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
    they shall be like wool.

   She stated this verse and it was so enlightening to hear because when you sin and you're sin consumes your life you need to remember The Lord forgives all sins but you have to go to him and truly settle the matter. He knows you want to and He knows you want to live a more Godly life but you have to be willing to make the first step in order to do so. So settle matters with the Lord and he will cleanse your sins away!

   I want to end on a few quick notes. 1) It felt amazing to be there, hear her story and feel as though God does truly work modern day miracles as she stated. 2) Don't ever think the Lord is not going to forgive your sins He will!!! 3) When you think no is there God is there. Remember that when you are trying to justify to yourself that your sin isn't a sin. If you need to justify the situation its obviously a situation you should stop, think about, and figure out why you're trying to justify it before doing it. If you think you are hiding it from God I can promise you you're not. 

   I wasn't able to talk to my friend much afterwards but in case she reads this I just wanted to let her know that I truly understand the situation you were in and it feels amazing to know The Lord has brought us through those situations and brought us each closer to him and living a more Godly life with our families and within our marriages! You're an amazing and inspirational woman and I am proud to call you a friend and fellow woman in Christ! 

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Re- Vamp of an Old Direction

   After feeling like things could never get better after a very hard weekend an old friend told me to re think to a time that was amazing for me. Not because of the people or the things I had at the time but just a time that I truly felt amazing and happy.

   When I did this I remembered back to the time when I was exploring the bible and reading it word for word and truly grasping everything that is in it.

   With that I decided what better way to make myself feel better and get back to that happy place than re visit the good book from front to back! Along with that I will be doing many segments on a book by an amazing lady Candace Cameron Bure (DJ Tanner from Full House) called Balancing It All: My Struggle of Balancing Priorities and Purpose.

   I decided on this book because this amazing woman is not only a woman of God but one who does it proudly in the media and stands up for her beliefs constantly while still being able to manage a home, family and intimate time with her husband. She has been one that I look up to for many years and I look forward to reading her book and exploring new heights within myself!


Tuesday, May 6, 2014

World..... This Is My BREAK

   I've tried so hard this past weekend to put a smile on my face like I was happy. Mainly doing it for my kids and my husband but also not wanting to bring what are to be joyous moments for others down. Today though I can't do it anymore.

   Late Saturday night my grandfather passed away. He was such an amazing man! He was the one who taught me how to fish, how to shoot and how to garden. It seemed like every time he taught me something he had a hidden meaning by it. Fishing and gardening how to provide my own food. Well shooting could have been in there too but he was always adamant that that was always to shoot any guy that broke my heart. He always would tell me that to try and make me laugh and it did because he knew there would be no way I would ever do something like that, but the practice he gave me shooting was always amazing!

   If that didn't make the weekend hard enough yesterday, Monday, I had to sit on the stand in a court room and face the woman again who hit and killed my mother. She hit her back on February 1st of 2012 after having 4 different prescription drugs in her system including, hydrocodone, Xanax, morphine and another anti depressant in her system. She was sentenced last June and has been in jail ever since. At her sentencing last year the judge pretty much threw the book at her. Well she got in front of the same judge yet again and played the pity party and he husband lied on the stand to make her case seem so much more sever. She walked away yesterday with serving less than a year for vehicular homicide she is out on 5 years probation. All I could do yesterday was burst out in crying in the courtroom as her whole family sat just feet away cheering and being so happy. I had never wanted to attack someone so bad or yell at them about being decent human beings in front of us. But of course I did my part and walked out and never said a word to anyone.

   Now truthfully all I want to to do is stay in bed, never answer my phone, and pretty much say the hell with social media all together. So far i'm doing just that. Luckily my husband called into work today because I'm not sure I can truly do much today other than just stay in bed. Anyone reading this is probably thinking, " well you're writing on here so that's social media." You would be right except here I can write whatever I want and no one can be stupid and comment stupid stuff back. I have always turned to writing as my outlet when it comes to trying to get my point across and make sure that my voice doesn't get lost in the shuffle of every day life. Even if its not getting across to who the feelings are meant for it still feels as though the words, thoughts and feelings are getting out.

   I've hit that all around breaking point now and honestly I don't know if or when I'm going to get back to normal. I've had my faith in so many things shaken over the past three days and as always very stressed from my sons situation that I just can't take all the stress anymore. Its hard enough going day to day watching my son fight through seizure after seizure and fight with his doctors, insurance and the pharmacy just to get him medicines that are supposed to help but are proving to no be doing much of anything anymore for him. To now have to try and grieve regarding my grandfather, and hope that when I go back home to my parents and friends from school I don't run into the lady who killed my mother is just too much. I can't handle this all and would love to just not have to deal with any of it anymore. But of course I have no choice but to deal with it because i'm the only one who has to deal with it all. Life has become harder and harder and its getting to a point where I truly don't know what to do next to try and help make it easier. I just wish there was a way to make things run smoothly for even just a short time.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Victim Impact statements..... For the courts or for you?

  This marks the second time in 10 months that I am having to sit here and try and write a victim impact statement of how the lady who hit my mother and killed her has effected me. Far too soon for my liking's to have to be doing it but of course I can't control the judicial system.

  10 months ago I was full of rage, hatred and anger but still managed to be nice and considerate in my impact statement.

   Today I sit here trying to figure out just what to write. Of course I have tons of emotions on this but they just aren't the same emotions that I had 10 months ago. Yes, I am still upset that I have to wake up every day knowing I can't see my mother, talk to her, give her a hug or let me amazing kids spend time with her but the pure hatred towards the lady just isn't there.

  I know in so many peoples eyes the hatred should always be there for me. But within these past months I have turned to two amazing people to help me get through this and try and move forward one being my husband who has always stood by my side in this and at many times has been more outraged by things because he knows that it's a very difficult subject for me to deal with.

  The other person is God.

  I have always believed in God since very very young but until very recently have I truly felt the power of his love and glory in all aspects of my life. I thank a group of amazing ladies who I get to meet up with once a month for a night out on really helping me come closer to him.

  Between my mom's untimely death, our son being mentally and physically disabled, and the normal day to days of trying to make ends meat on one income and still have a great home for my family has been very overwhelming and at times just plain tiring!

  Bringing God into my daily life has proven to be so much more rewarding than I think I ever let myself believe it could be. I know that when I am starting to get feelings and unkind thoughts I turn to a specific verse in the bible which states,

"Get rid of all hard feelings, anger, and rage. Stop all fighting and lying. Put away every form of hatred." Ephesians 4:31

  These words may just seem like common sense to some and to others may just seem like a bunch of bull but to me these have been the words to live by especially these past few months. I just can't see holding onto hating this woman for what she has done. 

Yes what she has done has changed my life forever and yes her current actions have stirred up some misunderstandings for me but I am not the one who will judge her in the end regarding anything so I should not be able to judge her now or have hatred towards her. 

  Hatred in my heart towards her or anyone else makes me just as wrong in the Lords eyes as someone who has committed a horrendous crime. I don't want that. I want to know that if I were to pass today my heart body and soul would be cleansed of all impure thoughts and actions that didn't serve a purpose to the Lord. 

  While writing this I really didn't think that I would figure out what to write for my impact statement that I felt would truly make an impact in the court system but oh how the Lord works his ways. I have begun a draft now of what I believe will be a true rendition of my thoughts and feelings while still coming off in a righteous manor.  

Beginning of Something New

So May 1st has come! Where am I? In the most amazing place possible!!!! MY HOME!  It's still quiet with both kids and my husband sleeping but of course that wont be for long.

Since it's so quiet I started thinking about last year and this time and my thoughts on where we would be as a family, where i would be myself, and how we would be going about our daily lives. I can honestly say that I am both satisfied and upset with myself depending on the situation. Really I know that we are all that way at some point. Happy with some things and then with other we think to ourselves, " what the heck happened?".

So because I've gotten upset with some things I realized those things needed to change ASAP!! Which is why the previous blog I had been doing I'm doing away with! No point in living in the past and dealing with those who only make me want to scream uncontrollably 3/4 of the time!

I've come to realize over the past 5 months who my friends are, who we can trust, and who has only made our lives more difficult instead of enlightening them. My husband and I have basically gotten rid of those who we don't believe enrich our lives and instead of replacing those people with others we have chosen to replace them with quality time with each other and our little family. This has changed the whole dynamic of our relationship and marriage! It has been an bumpy road on some things but seeing how much we have grown as a couple over the past few months has shown both of us that the other will do anything to fight for them and will do anything to make things stronger between us. It has been such an amazing experience and I wouldn't trade any day of it for anything!

One thing I have thought about changing that is a bit more difficult is how to stand my ground and stand up for myself.  Not really with friends because the few that I really talk to know my boundaries and I have no problem standing up to them but more with family members (not in a bad way or witchy way just on the little things that I or my husband should have the last say on not others) and with my son's doctors (that one is a MUST!!!!). I've noticed that its much harder to do this with the doctors because I want to believe that they know what is truly best for our son but when they don't live day in and day out with our son its hard to take some things they say and run with them. Maybe if there was a specialist that he saw that checked on him or returned calls more than once a month I would agree with them more. This is just a personal issue I seem to be trying to work out for this new year.

I have been blessed this year and been able to really kick my home business of Lou Who Designs into gear. With my business I have been able to do bows, tutus, headbands, bow holders, headband holders and many different types of crochet items. All things that I love to do and now have the pleasure of making them for others and putting a smile on their faces. It has been nice to have an outlet that I don't have to share with anyone in my home. NOW I know that makes me sound like a bad mom and wife because I don't want to share. Well until you stay home 24/7 with  2 children one being disabled and needs full care at all times and still trying to keep the other happy, feeling loved, and playing with her as well as doing all the house work and making all the meals you have no idea how amazing it feels do something even in the middle of the night that you can do just by yourself and in peace and quiet. I will never feel bad about taking those few moments to myself and enjoying it!

At the beginning of this year I started going to the gym. That has proved to be a difficulty for me at times. I haven't been able to go as much as I like because my only time to go is in the middle of the night and of course there are plenty of times that I just really want to sleep at night not be up and at the gym.  But as I look at myself from this time last year to now I realize I NEED TO GO WAY MORE OFTEN!! After I got married last July to the first of January I gained 30 lbs!!! I know the holidays were in there and the weather got colder but those excuses are just that excuses not actual facts. The facts are that 1) I ate all the time!!! 2) even though my diet had to change due to having celiac disease i still ate the junk food that I could. 3) that nasty deceiving drink called diet pop is totally not diet!!! Heck after researching it this past week its better for you to have the calories from the regular pop that try and digest the stuff that's in diet pop.... BIG EYE OPENER!!!!!  4) I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME FOR MY WEIGHT GAIN BUT MYSELF!!!! ......... So with the facts being said what am I gonna do about it? 1) NO POP!!!! 2) No fast food or restaurants for at least the next 21 days ( they say 21 days is how long it takes to kick a habit/craving) 3) no junk food!! 4) work out  5) relax and really think about the choices that I am making when it comes to my foood, drink, workouts and sleep habits. I am the only one that can change the way I look and feel about myself and even though my husband still loves the way I look I need to feel better about myself. NOT saying that  I want to be so skinny that I look sick but I want to feel good in my clothes and not feel like I to wear a hoodie ever day of my life.

Well now that the family is getting up for the day I should get to helping them all, but now that I am doing a fresh start beginning today you all should be hearing from me a lot more! Have a great day!!!