10 months ago I was full of rage, hatred and anger but still managed to be nice and considerate in my impact statement.
Today I sit here trying to figure out just what to write. Of course I have tons of emotions on this but they just aren't the same emotions that I had 10 months ago. Yes, I am still upset that I have to wake up every day knowing I can't see my mother, talk to her, give her a hug or let me amazing kids spend time with her but the pure hatred towards the lady just isn't there.
I know in so many peoples eyes the hatred should always be there for me. But within these past months I have turned to two amazing people to help me get through this and try and move forward one being my husband who has always stood by my side in this and at many times has been more outraged by things because he knows that it's a very difficult subject for me to deal with.
The other person is God.
I have always believed in God since very very young but until very recently have I truly felt the power of his love and glory in all aspects of my life. I thank a group of amazing ladies who I get to meet up with once a month for a night out on really helping me come closer to him.
Between my mom's untimely death, our son being mentally and physically disabled, and the normal day to days of trying to make ends meat on one income and still have a great home for my family has been very overwhelming and at times just plain tiring!
Bringing God into my daily life has proven to be so much more rewarding than I think I ever let myself believe it could be. I know that when I am starting to get feelings and unkind thoughts I turn to a specific verse in the bible which states,
"Get rid of all hard feelings, anger, and rage. Stop all fighting and lying. Put away every form of hatred." Ephesians 4:31
These words may just seem like common sense to some and to others may just seem like a bunch of bull but to me these have been the words to live by especially these past few months. I just can't see holding onto hating this woman for what she has done.
Yes what she has done has changed my life forever and yes her current actions have stirred up some misunderstandings for me but I am not the one who will judge her in the end regarding anything so I should not be able to judge her now or have hatred towards her.
Hatred in my heart towards her or anyone else makes me just as wrong in the Lords eyes as someone who has committed a horrendous crime. I don't want that. I want to know that if I were to pass today my heart body and soul would be cleansed of all impure thoughts and actions that didn't serve a purpose to the Lord.
While writing this I really didn't think that I would figure out what to write for my impact statement that I felt would truly make an impact in the court system but oh how the Lord works his ways. I have begun a draft now of what I believe will be a true rendition of my thoughts and feelings while still coming off in a righteous manor.