I've tried so hard this past weekend to put a smile on my face like I was happy. Mainly doing it for my kids and my husband but also not wanting to bring what are to be joyous moments for others down. Today though I can't do it anymore.
Late Saturday night my grandfather passed away. He was such an amazing man! He was the one who taught me how to fish, how to shoot and how to garden. It seemed like every time he taught me something he had a hidden meaning by it. Fishing and gardening how to provide my own food. Well shooting could have been in there too but he was always adamant that that was always to shoot any guy that broke my heart. He always would tell me that to try and make me laugh and it did because he knew there would be no way I would ever do something like that, but the practice he gave me shooting was always amazing!
If that didn't make the weekend hard enough yesterday, Monday, I had to sit on the stand in a court room and face the woman again who hit and killed my mother. She hit her back on February 1st of 2012 after having 4 different prescription drugs in her system including, hydrocodone, Xanax, morphine and another anti depressant in her system. She was sentenced last June and has been in jail ever since. At her sentencing last year the judge pretty much threw the book at her. Well she got in front of the same judge yet again and played the pity party and he husband lied on the stand to make her case seem so much more sever. She walked away yesterday with serving less than a year for vehicular homicide she is out on 5 years probation. All I could do yesterday was burst out in crying in the courtroom as her whole family sat just feet away cheering and being so happy. I had never wanted to attack someone so bad or yell at them about being decent human beings in front of us. But of course I did my part and walked out and never said a word to anyone.
Now truthfully all I want to to do is stay in bed, never answer my phone, and pretty much say the hell with social media all together. So far i'm doing just that. Luckily my husband called into work today because I'm not sure I can truly do much today other than just stay in bed. Anyone reading this is probably thinking, " well you're writing on here so that's social media." You would be right except here I can write whatever I want and no one can be stupid and comment stupid stuff back. I have always turned to writing as my outlet when it comes to trying to get my point across and make sure that my voice doesn't get lost in the shuffle of every day life. Even if its not getting across to who the feelings are meant for it still feels as though the words, thoughts and feelings are getting out.
I've hit that all around breaking point now and honestly I don't know if or when I'm going to get back to normal. I've had my faith in so many things shaken over the past three days and as always very stressed from my sons situation that I just can't take all the stress anymore. Its hard enough going day to day watching my son fight through seizure after seizure and fight with his doctors, insurance and the pharmacy just to get him medicines that are supposed to help but are proving to no be doing much of anything anymore for him. To now have to try and grieve regarding my grandfather, and hope that when I go back home to my parents and friends from school I don't run into the lady who killed my mother is just too much. I can't handle this all and would love to just not have to deal with any of it anymore. But of course I have no choice but to deal with it because i'm the only one who has to deal with it all. Life has become harder and harder and its getting to a point where I truly don't know what to do next to try and help make it easier. I just wish there was a way to make things run smoothly for even just a short time.
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